


Down To The River

by CaitClandestine



Category: Fortnite (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF, x2 Twins
Genre: Gen, sad twin hours, sorry jesse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:40:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26543851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaitClandestine/pseuds/CaitClandestine
Summary: If Jesse had a secret stash of anything, Jordan figured it'd be slightly kinky porn because Jesse's always had a thing for the paper version instead of online like everyone else.It's not what he finds.
Kudos: 2





	Down To The River

**Author's Note:**

> tldr the most emo

Jordan can't find his phone cord. It's not in his room, not in the stream room, not in the kitchen. He can't find Tahli's, probably because she takes it to work with her and he can't find Jesse's either, probably because Jesse's a little klepto fuck who'd hide it from him just so he couldn't use it. They're weird like that over tiny little things, had more screaming matches about insignificant possessions than all the real, important stuff.

Jesse has been kind of salty the last few days, so it's entirely possible he has actually hidden it from him. 

They haven't been moved in for that long, don't have that much stuff beyond the basics so it's not hard to start searching his brothers room. It's not on the bedside or tangled in the sheets, not on the floor or in his backpack, not in the first drawer or the second - though Jordan finds a pair of his shorts he's been looking for and he grabs them out and slams the drawer shut, frustrated before he goes for the third and final drawer, throwing all the clothes out because Jesse's exactly the person who'd hide it under everything thinking he won't look.

If Jesse had a secret stash of anything, Jordan figured it'd be slightly kinky porn because Jesse's always had a thing for the paper version instead of online like everyone else. He wishes that's what he was looking at right now, something cliche and cheesy that he could make fun of him for, another inside joke between them.

He wishes it was anything beyond well, he's not even sure exactly what he's seeing. He drops the shorts and drops to his knees. 

There's a lot of paperwork, prescriptions and what makes his heart thud most uneasily in his chest, bottles and boxes of medication.

Of course he goes straight into panic mode, straight for the worst option. Jesse's really sick. Jesse's dying and no ones told him because Jesse would do that, swear their family to secrecy for as long as he could, wouldn't want to hurt them just like a scene from all those medical TV shows. Jordan suddenly can't breathe, flinging everything out of the drawer and scattering it around him, tablets rattling, presses his hands tight against his head. This isn't happening.

It takes him a long few minutes to gather himself enough to reach for some of the scattered papers. He's scanning them, looking for the worst kinds of words. Words for things they can't cure, can't fix. 

Maybe what he reads instead is better, but it sure doesn't provide the kind of relief he'd want. There's appointment reminders, referrals to different doctors but they're all from the same department and new worrying words start to leap out at him and they can't all be true, Jordan has literally never seen Jesse be more than mildly stressed, definitely never seen him have a panic attack but the more he reads the more that jumps off the pages. Anxiety, depression. Jesse's always just been the calm, quiet twin. Anorexia. They're both small despite what they eat. Self-harm. Jesse doesn't like pain, won't even dig his own splinters out.

Jordan's head spins, entirely overwhelmed with the premise of what he's reading until he hits another page and he's sure he's going to vomit. Suicidal ideation. The shock of it actually cases him to laugh, a hoarse, panicked sound. Jesse's not dying but he wants to. 

It's a rushed stumble to the bathroom where he dry heaves into the toilet, covered in sweat and he doesn't even know where Jesse is right now, he'd said he was catching up with some mates but what if he isn't, what if today's the day and he never comes home and Jordan didn't fucking know. 

He didn't fucking know. How could he not know, what kind of brother - twin fucking brother, they're supposed to be closer than anyone - why didn't he notice anything different, how long has it fucking been? How long has Jesse been sitting across from him on stream and simultaneously wishing he was dead? Hurting himself? 

He should call someone. Call Jesse at least, needs to hear his voice right now. Instead he tries to gather himself, gather everything up and relocate to the kitchen, lining up the bottles and boxes in a neat row that's far too long, sits himself down and starts searching them up one by one and only gets a couple in before it's too much for him to handle, caught up in the warnings and side effects and there's enough drugs in front of him to absolutely kill someone. For someone to kill themselves. 

All he can do is sit and wait, try to get his thoughts in order before Jesse comes home, praying that he actually does.

It's less time than he thinks before he hears the rattle of keys and startles, apparently zoned out where he'd been resting his head on the counter-top. Jesse appears soon enough, spinning his key chain around before their eyes meet and the keys drop to the floor. 

He says nothing and Jordan takes a long, deep breath.

"Do you want to talk about it? He asks quietly, makes a useless gesture to the selection in front of him in case Jesse couldn't guess. His brother looks shocked but it quickly gives way to a frown.

"What about where you found all this makes you think it's something I want to talk about" Jesse says, voice wavering, "Why were you going through my fucking stuff, this is private"

He sounds so casual Jordan's minuscule rein on his feelings instantly disappears. 

"Oh I don't know" He snaps, "It's just somewhere between the hurting yourself and wanting to die maybe there was the part where you fucking talked to your twin about how you were feeling"

"And you would've said what Jordan, huh?" Jesse matches his intensity easily. "Told me to man up, stop being a little bitch like you always do, that i'm just being dramatic and looking for attention right, that'd be real fucking supportive of you"

"You really think i'd do that to you?"

The worst part is deep down, Jordan can't say he wouldn't have. Jesse has complained about being sick or hurt and he knows he hasn't cared, probably been an asshole about it. But surely he would've have about this, if Jesse had mentioned any of the things he's had to read about.

"Why would I tell you anything when you come down on me like a tonne of bricks for saying I have a headache or feel sick or tired" Jesse snarls back, "Newsflash, maybe I was trying to say I needed a fucking break but couldn't tell you because I know what you're like!"

"Don't try and make this my fault, how could you do this to me?"

There's a beat of silence Jordan expects Jesse to fill at any moment with more yelling. 

"Even now it's all about you" His twin mutters instead, "How you feel, how i've hurt you well you know what Jordan, fuck you and fuck this i'm done, i'm leaving"

He turns tail and starts to stomp out of the room.

"Leaving where?" Jordan's voice cracks in panic. He's not having Jesse go off alone. "I'll tell mum!" 

Jesse stops short and turns to face him again, expression dark.

"What makes you think she doesn't already know?"

And now it's Jordan's turn to be caught off guard. Maybe Jesse's lying, because surely their mum would've said something to him, been around more. He can't tell and that stings because clearly he's not been able to tell for a long time.

How long has everyone been keeping secrets from him?

"I'm going home for a while" Jesse says to his silence, stepping back into the kitchen and Jordan's confused for a minute when he goes to cupboard and comes out with a plastic bag until he reaches for his medication and Jordan throws his arms over it almost protectively.

"Give them to me" Jesse snaps, "For fucks sake Jordan, move"

"Why, so you can overdose and end up in a fucking ditch?"

Jesse's fist slams down onto the counter-top.

"Don't say it like that, like you have any fucking clue what it's like"

"Again, maybe you should've said something!"

"Maybe you should've noticed!"

"Show me where you're hurting yourself" Jordan blurts, throwing the topic completely and aware he's not diffusing things but what's the point now, when they're in this deep.

"Fuck off!"

Jordan grabs for him and then it's on, they're fighting for real, Jesse's fist slamming into his shoulder and Jordan grabbing his shirt round the collar, using the tiny advantage he has to pin his twin up against the cupboards. They're both always in t-shirts and shorts, there's only so much he can hide. 

"Show me" He hisses, freeing a hand and wrenching up said shirt and Jesse snarls, wiggling out of his grasp and kneeing him right in the groin and it's game over, Jordan has to let him go. He hasn't got any breath to scream with or he would, the sudden agonising pain forcing him to the ground and only made worse by how Jesse steps over him like it's nothing, ignoring him entirely as he scoops his pills into the plastic bag and heads to his room judging by he slamming of the door. 

Jordan cries. Partly from the physical pain and a lot from the situation, he's beyond hurt, doesn't know what to do with tension he feels and maybe Jesse's right, all he thinks about is himself.

He stays on the floor until Jesse comes back, face red and tears tracking down his cheeks though he's quiet, backpack slung over one shoulder and a hoodie in his arms. They look at each other and for once Jordan can't think of a single thing to say before Jesse keeps on walking, front door clicking softly behind him. 

Jordan doesn't know what he's supposed to do now. If he calls their mum and she knows that's bad, if he calls her and she doesn't know that's probably worse. Their dads closer but there's no way he would've gotten him involved.

So he doesn't do anything, just stays there lying on the floor until he gets a text from their mum and promptly starts to panic all over again. 

Jesse's safe with me but he needs time. so do you. 

The simmering anger returns. So she did know and just didn't think to tell him. Not even give him the slightest idea that anything was going on and no, he's not going to just stay here and do what they want. 

He fires off a text to Tahli before packing his own backpack and stalking out of the house. If he drives a little too fast it's no ones business but his own, flying off the highway and onto the country roads with furious intensity. He didn't ask for this, and now it's all his fault. 

His mother is out of the house before he turns off the ignition and he feels a rush of guilt at how upset she looks. The sight of her almost crying makes him follow suit and she's pulling open the door and holding him as he climbs out, leading him away from the house and into the back garden as he loses it completely, sobbing into her shoulder as they find a spot to sit.

He might be angry but he's also terrified.

"Oh Jordan, sweetheart" 

"I didn't know" He cries, "I didn't know anything, how didn't I know"

There can't possibly be a worse sibling than him. They spend so, so much time in each others physical presence how hadn't he picked anything up? He tells Jesse everything, always had his comforting shoulder to lean on but couldn't be one in return.

"And you didn't say anything" He adds in a wail, "Why didn't you tell me, or at least suggest something!"

"I'm so sorry I couldn't" She murmurs, holding him tightly, "But I made your brother a promise"

"He could be dead!" Jordan yanks out of her grasp, "How are you okay with that, with all that he's been doing, why is no one watching him?"

"Jordan, focus" He does, but he's struggling. "Look at me, if for a single second you I thought you absolutely needed to know, that Jesse's safety was at risk I would've told you, I promise you that"

The words feel empty and hollow but Jordan finds himself nodding absently anyway. 

"How long?" He croaks.

"Around Christmas" 

Far too long along ago, months and months of Jesse hiding the darkest, most painful things from him. They sit, both trying to pull themselves together and Jordan sniffles, gratefully accepts the tissue offered to him. He has so many questions swirling in his head, but there's only one that's most important.

"Is he okay?"

Fuck knows he hadn't offered the best reaction, exactly what Jesse was expecting even and that just makes him feel worse. She pauses, which is all the truth he needs, quickly standing up.

"Where is he?"

He starts toward the house, shoves the back door open before she's at his side.

"Jordan, wait"

He doesn't, nearly runs through the house to their old shared room, sweaty hand fumbling with the vintage doorknob. 

"He's sleeping" His mother says frantically, fingers closing over his one handle, "He's had some medication, if you wake him he'll just be upset - I helped him with it, it was the right dose" She adds on quickly, the distress must be obvious on his face.

Jordan pushes the door open anyway, steps cautiously into the room. Jesse's rolled carefully on his side, folded blankets behind him for support and even in his sedated sleep he looks upset, seems so tiny and vulnerable on the double bed. 

He's in different clothes too, soft tracksuit pants and oversized, faded t-shirt and where he has a hand clenched against the sheets Jordan notices the dried blood across a couple of fingernails, reaches out to pull the sheets away, look for himself but there's nothing else visible, just the steady rise and fall of Jesse's chest.

"He hurt himself didn't he" He says flatly, voice catching as the tears threaten to overwhelm him again. 

"It was before I picked up him up" She says gently, "He told me straight away, it's not serious, it's all taken care of"

No, of course it's not serious. Jesse hurting himself is just another regular fucking day, something to be expected. He wants to ask how but he can't do that to her, make he go over all the details because surely it hurts her maybe more than it does him, to be the one picking up the pieces that Jordan should've known about, shouldn't have broken.

"The girls" He says absently, because surely they can't see this, Jesse would never have wanted that.

"Got dad to pick them up from school, they'll probably stay with him for a few days" She assures, "They're more perceptive than you'd think you know, they take good care of him when he's here"

How often is Jesse here without him, hiding away from the world?

"I'm so sorry" He whispers to both of them, "I really, really fucked up here"

"I'll make some tea" Is all the response he gets and it's far more than he deserves, she should be screaming at him for doing this, for no doubt setting back months of work because he has zero doubt that since she knows, she's not completely across the situation and making sure Jesse's getting all the help Jordan's been unable to give him.

He sits cautiously on the edge of the bed, curls his fingers into Jesse's always soft hair and tries to cry as quietly as possible.

**Author's Note:**

> fix twins or not fix twins that is the question


End file.
